


Lives Lost, Unions Sealed

by mohinikapuahi



Category: The Young Riders
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2018-01-07 17:29:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 23,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1122526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mohinikapuahi/pseuds/mohinikapuahi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will Lou ever recover from the death of her beloved husband? And will Buck avenge his death or be led to his own?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: The Young Riders is the creation of Ed Spielman, and the property of Ogiens/Kane productions in association with MGM/UA television. This Story is created for entertainment purposes only, no infringement intended. Not to be copied without permission from the author.

Sweetwater, 1877

Buck stood just inside the cemetery fenceline, his tears still wet on his cheeks, his own grief almost more than he could bear, watching the tiny woman kneeling at the side of the as yet unfilled grave pour out her grief. He let his eyes sweep over the headstones marking the final resting place of some of their closest friends, and closed his eyes in disbelief of how their lives had turned out.

Only three of them remained now, fate handing the cruellest of hands to the others. He cast his mind back to the day they had met, it seemed like a lifetime ago, but it was only sixteen years. The day they all signed up to ride for the pony express, they had all been green, inexperienced orphans, eager to prove themselves and desperate to fit in From the moment they had arrived at this very town, they had begun to forge a bond that would seal them together as a family forever. Even as those bonds were being forged it seemed that outside forces were conspiring against them to tear them apart.

Ike had been the first to be taken. The memories of his first dear friend still brought a haze of tears to his eyes, shot protecting Emily Metcalfe, the woman he loved, had died honourably and whilst he was buried in an Indian ceremony, Teaspoon had insisted that they place a marker in the cemetery to give the all of the riders a place to grieve. Noah had been the next to be senselessly snatched from his young life, caught in the maelstrom of hostility and futility that surrounded the violent aggressions between the north and the south. His life had been needlessly stolen and not a day passed when they didn’t regret his death.

Five years ago, Teaspoon had been taken from them, not by outlaws or accident but by his own failing health, he had suffered a fatal heart attack on the day of his son’s birthday, a day that would now always be tinged with sadness for Rachel and their tiny son, the son that Teaspoon had not lived to see.

Almost two years ago, in what, until now, had seemed the cruellest blow, their family was ravaged by a cholera epidemic that had swept through the town like a wildfire. Tears flooded his eyes as his gaze rested on his wife’s headstone, she and one of their two children, his son, succumbed to the disease as did two of Kid and Lou’s three precious offspring. He looked at the graves of their sons, best friends in life, buried side by side in death, both he and Kid had never really recovered from the loss of their two boys, each losing their only son.

As if that wasn’t bad enough then came the blow that nearly broke the will of them all, word reached them that Jimmy was killed a little less than a year ago in a card game in Deadwood. They had all made the trip to his final resting place, to say their final goodbyes to him, but as had become customary on their return Kid erected a small marker in their cemetery for his once closest friend, somewhere where they could go and vent their grief. Often, he had come out to talk to his beloved Jennifer only to find Kid or Lou or sometimes even both of them sitting wordlessly at the side of the marker.

Feeling a gentle tugging at the sleeve of his jacket, he forced a slight smile to his lips and wiped the tears from his cheeks, as he knelt down to talk to the tiny little angel that had asked for his attention.

“Uncle Buck” she spoke softly even at four knowing that this was a solemn occasion, not quite understanding what was happening but seeming to understand that her young life was changing forever.

“When is Mama going to come back?’ she asked as she looked at her mother kneeling forlornly at the graveside, her tears dropping into the grave and mingling with the soil already on the coffin.

“She’ll be in soon darling she just needs a little time to herself.’ Looking up he beckoned with his eyes to his fourteen-year-old daughter Starr, who quickly came and lifted Lou’s only surviving child into her arms, carrying her quickly away from the cemetery. As Starr would have spoken, Buck shook his head, not wanting to talk to the children yet, not knowing if he could trust his voice to form the words that needed to be said. Watching them walk towards the house he realised now that it was time for Lou to leave the cemetery, so the undertaker could finish his job. Striding quickly to her side, he knelt beside her, his hands on her shoulders, shaking his head as he felt the silent but soul wracking sobs that continuously shook her body.

‘Lou honey, it’s time to leave now’ he spoke softly

“Buck I can’t leave him.’ She sobbed pathetically, her face swollen with her tears, her voice husky with grief.

“Lou you have to, he’s gone honey,’ Buck hated having to do this to her, but ever since she had received the news, she had been inconsolable, many times she had asked for her life to be taken as well, that she could not live without him, he was truly worried about her, frightened of what she might do if she sank any further into the pit of despair she was sinking into.

Buck pulled her tightly into his arms and held her as she sobbed against his chest remembering the fateful events of the past two days.

He had gone into town to pick up supplies, to visit briefly with Starr’s grandfather and to chat with Kid, his best friend and business partner, when a gun fight had broken out in town. Kid, now the respected town Marshall, and always the peacemaker, had quickly stepped into the fray and whilst trying to work a peaceful end to their dispute had been shot in the back. Buck had quickly realised that the wound would indeed be fatal and made his friend as comfortable as he could staying with him as he drew his final breaths. Promising him that he would look after the tiny woman who meant more to Kid than his own life, Buck had screamed for someone to ride out to their home and get Kid’s wife, as his friend had drawn his last breath cradled in his arms. Robbed of the chance of a long and happy life by a gunman’s bullet, the chance to say goodbye to the woman who held his heart stolen from him the moment that the trigger had been pulled.

Now his only problem was trying to draw her back into life and away from the abyss of self pity that she was seeking.


	2. Chapter 2

Buck held her close, her soul wracking sobs breaking his heart. His own tears falling tto dampen the top of her head as she burrowed against him. Buck raised his eyes to meet Rachel’s as she stood outside the cemetery watching them both closely through tear clouded eyes, trying to decide if she should intrude on what seemed to be a private moment, or to even beging try to help either of her young friends through their misery.

“Lou, please darlin, you’re scaring Mary” he tried to use her love for her daughter to pull her back from the pit of sorrow she was fast sinking into, but her sobs continued unabated as he held her against him, his fingers absently stroking her soft hair, helpless against the tide of her grief.

Realising that she was no longer even aware of the world around her, he swung her into his arms and began to walk slowly back to the house. He carried her to the room she had shared for so long with Kid and knew that it would be the only place that she might be able to find peace in. Knowing that Rachel had followed him into the room, he deposited Lou gently onto her bed, and left the room quickly without speaking, leaving Rachel to take care of Lou, before he lost the tight hold he had on his own emotions. Walking quickly back down the stairs he headed straight for the barn, needing to be alone with his own grief. Leaning against the back wall of the barn, he slid down the wall until he was seated on the ground, his arms resting on his knees his head in his hands and broke down, his emotions reaching breaking point as he sobbed, great gulping sobs, his breathing uneven, his tears flowing freely. In front of the others, no matter how great his pain, he forced himself to keep control of his rapidly unravelling emotions.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, lost in his grief, missing the man who had helped him overcome so much hurt and sorrow, but a small hand on his arm drew him back from the morass of anguish that consumed him. He looked up into the wide blue eyes of his god daughter, so much like her fathers, and saw the pain that his grief was causing her. He swiped the back of both hands across his cheeks to smooth away his tears and forced a tight smile onto his face.

“What’s wrong honey?’ he spoke softly, lifting her into his arms and sitting her on his lap.

“Can I kiss it better Uncle Buck?” she spoke softly, her tiny hand wiping tears from his face

“No Mary, I don’t think you can honey’ he answered her, trying to ease a little of her confusion without hurting her

“But Papa said that a kiss will always make you feel better if you’re hurting” she answered smiling that she remembered one of her papa’s favourite expressions.

“I don’t think it will work this time honey.’ Buck smiled at her knowing that she didn’t understand the events that were taking place around her. He had loved Kid and Lou’s youngest child like she was his own since the moment he had first laid eyes on her, she had the most serene and caring soul that he had ever encountered in a young child, even before she was old enough to speak seeming to know when her family were hurting and trying to sooth their pain, just by a simple hug. It also seemed to him that she felt the same kinship with him, because she was never far from his side, a fact which had always amused Kid, since Buck’s own daughter had shared a special bond with Kid, he had taught her to ride and care for the horses in their ownership, a task Starr seemed to relish.

“Uncle Buck’ Mary hit him gently on the chest her own tears glistening on her spiky black lashes. ‘You’re not listening to me’ she spoke her childish voice indignant

“I’m sorry honey, what did you say?’ he asked turning his attention back to her.

“Papa’s not coming back is he.’ She asked softly

“No sweetheart’ Buck almost choked on his words “he’s gone away to heaven Mary” Buck had trouble knowing what to say to the beautiful little cherub in his arms, Mary had been told that her father was in heaven, maybe when she was older she would understand what had happened, but both he and Rachel felt that she wouldn’t understand much more than she had already been told.

“is he with Aunt Jenny and Jimmy and Emma and Isaac?’ she asked her tiny face creased into a frown.

“He is darling, he’s looking over all of us, he will always be with you, no matter where you are, your papa will be looking out for you.’ His voice grew hoarse with emotion as he tried to ease her mind. She nodded as she sat in his lap, then looked up at him again, her eyes full of tears.

“Mama is not going to go too is she?’ she asked her bottom lip quivering

“No sweetheart” Buck realised that Mary thought she was going to be left alone in the world after hearing her mother’s grief

“But she said that she wanted to go with Papa.’ She spoke softly

“doesn’t she love me?’ she spoke softly a lone fat tear trickling down her chubby cheek

“She loves you more than you could ever know, but she has loved your papa since we were young, its hard for her not to be able to talk to him anymore.’ He spoke gently

“She won’t leave me to go to papa will she” she asked still unsure

“No darling, she won’t” he tried to reassure her “You will never be alone Mary, Uncle Buck will always be here for you.” He stated the conviction strong in his voice.

“I love you Uncle Buck” she placed a wet sloppy baby kiss on his cheek and climbed off his lap to toddle as fast as her four year old legs could back away from the back of the barn, apparently reassured that her loved ones would not desert her. Buck sat there for a few moments in silence trying to gather his thoughts before he had to face the rest of his family again. He stood to go and tend to his chores wiping the evidence of his tears from his face, until he heard a deep masculine voice he knew very well.

“Never thought the three of us would be the only ones left” the voice spoke from the corner of the barn, startling Buck from his silent reverie.


	3. Chapter 3

“Cody” Buck spoke as he embraced his old friend

“When did it happen?” he asked gruffly

“Two days ago, a stupid gunfight in town, he got caught in the crossfire.” Buck had difficulty forming the words

“How’s Lou?” Cody asked quietly

“I’m worried about her Billy, she keeps asking to go with him” Cody shook his head in disbelief, his memories of a strong independent young woman not fitting with Buck’s words.

“Did you catch the one who did it?”

“We think he was a drifter, by the time I had come to my senses he was long gone. There’s a posse out after him now” Buck spoke

“What about the kids?” Cody asked having seen how skilfully Buck had answered young Mary’s questions.

“Mary doesn’t really understand, but Starr is devastated, she loved him dearly” he smiled wryly

“We all did. Rachel coping?”

“She’s okay” Buck nodded looking stoically at Cody

“Are you okay?” Cody had never seen Buck like this even when Ike and Noah were killed, he had managed to keep control

“Yeah” he answered flatly his eyes liquid “I have to be”

“I’m here for a few weeks until I have to go back on tour with my show” Cody spoke, not wanting to annoy Buck, knowing how passionately that his friend hated his Wild West Show.

Buck nodded tightly, knowing from Kid and Jimmy’s bitter experiences that their friendship was far more important than their beliefs or the petty indifferences they may have. The men walked around the barn and towards the house, watching as Starr sat on the old bunkhouse porch and read to both Mary and Rachel’s son Noah. Neither man noticed Rachel sitting on the porch swing as she walked into the small fenced yard.

“Cody” she smiled, her eyes teary rising to greet him.

“Rachel” Cody ran up the stairs and embraced her tightly, he hadn’t seen her since before Teaspoons death and had lived with the regret of missing Teaspoon’s funeral ever since.

“How is she?” Buck asked as Rachel sank gratefully in Cody’s loose embrace.

“I don’t know” Rachel spoke bluntly “It’s like the light is gone from her eyes” her tears overflowed “I don’t think we’ll ever get the old Lou back, I think we buried her today.” Rachel tried to compose herself but failed “Everybody always knew that losing Lou would kill Kid, but I never expected that she would fall apart like this. It’s like she doesn’t want to live without him.” Rachel’s voice caught on a sob “She just lays there crying” she spoke softly cradled against Cody’s buckskin clad shoulder.

“I’ll go and talk to her.” Buck spoke as he opened the door leaving Rachel and Cody on the porch.

He walked quickly up the stairs, but he had no idea how to soothe Lou’s pain, he just knew that he didn’t want her to be alone with her thoughts.

When his beloved Jenny had died, he had wanted nothing more than to go with her, he had spent almost 15 years by her side, sleeping with her in his arms, making decisions with her and well just enjoying her companionship. It was the little things he missed, waking up with her in his arms of the way she always kissed him before she left the room, the way she would push his hair back from his face when he was angry and cause him to completely forget his anger, even the way she comforted Starr when she was hurting. God knew, he still missed her dearly, but at least now the pain of her absence was not a gaping hole in his heart. Lou and Kid had seen to that, easing him through his mind numbing grief as only the best of friends could.

Buck knocked lightly on the door, and receiving no response walked straight into the room, the sight that greeted him nearly breaking his heart. Lou sat in the middle of the bed, dressed in her nightgown, her waist length hair, unplaited and flowing around her slight shoulders, her arms around her legs and her chin resting on her knees, her heart and soul wracked by her uncontrollable sobs. Crossing the room he sat beside her on the bed, gently stroking her silken hair, realising quickly that she didn’t even know he was there, so deeply was she held in the grip of her grief.

Sliding further onto the bed he pulled her into his arms and onto his lap where he cradled her against his chest , desperately trying to absorb her pain. He didn’t know how long he sat there, like that, gently rocking her as he would Mary, murmuring soothing words to her, before he realised that her sobs had slowed and finally stopped.

Brushing her damp hair back from her face, he realised that she had in fact cried herself to sleep. Knowing that she had not slept since Kid’s death made him loathe to wake her, so he settled back against the headboard, content to give her the support she obviously needed, gently brushing his lips across the top of her head.

\--oo0000oo—

The thing he became aware of first, was Lou’s arm around his waist, her breath warm on the side of his face. Trying to clear his sleep clouded mind, he realised that he must have fallen asleep. Somehow they had ended up covered and entwined in each others arms. Lou’s legs gently entwined with his own, her head resting on his shoulder. He smiled tightly as he realised that they had both been exhausted, not only physically but emotionally, and had somehow managed to find comfort and the ability to relax in the others arms.

“I love him so much Buck” she murmured against his shoulder

“I know sweetheart, we all did” Buck was startled by her voice “He always, even while we were still riding told me that he would never be able to live without me. I always thought that he was exaggerating’ she tilted her face back so she could look into his eyes.

“Now I know he wasn’t” she murmured, “Buck, I don’t think I can go on without him.”


	4. Chapter 4

Lou closed her eyes and rested her face against Buck’s warm shoulder content to snuggle against his warm body, feeling relaxed for the first time since she had learned of her husbands death. A day that would be etched forever in her mind, sure that time would not dull the memory. Buck had driven the wagon back from town, his own shirt covered with blood. Lou was certain that he had met with an accident on the way back from town, had dropped the washing she had been hanging on the ground and run to the wagon, concerned for her friends well being. She had known from the look in his sad eyes that the blood was not his own. Somehow, she had known to ask about her husband and when Buck had shaken his head, his tears overflowing, she had known that her beloved Kid was not coming home to her that night. She had stoically placed one foot in front of the other and moved to the side of the wagon, almost afraid to look inside it. Taking a deep breath she had looked into the bed of the wagon and found her husband’s cold lifeless body inside. Crawling into the wagon she had pulled him into her arms and rocked him backward and forwards trying to force life back into him. She remembered little of the rest of the afternoon, in fact she remembered almost nothing else but her all consuming grief, until she had woken in Buck’s strong arms not long before. She was, however, not prepared for his angry outburst.

He lifted her until she sat beside him, then slid up to be seated cross legged against the headboard in front of her he clasped her hand in both of his hands and made her look into his face.

“I don’t want you to say that again. Kid wouldn’t want you to be like this. Mary needs you. Rachel needs you. Dammit Lou, I need you. Don’t make me lose you too” tears welled in his eyes and overflowed as he pleaded with her “I couldn’t take it if I had to lose you too”.

“You don’t understand, it’s like someone has pulled my heart from my chest and is squeezing the life from it.’ She stopped gulping back her tears. “Kid was everything to me, he was the other half of my soul, he was everything.”

“Don’t you think that if I could have, I would have given my own life for him to stay with you. To spare you the pain that I endured when Jenny died, I would gladly have given my life for his.” Buck stated flatly

“No Buck” she shook her head,

“I would have happily, it breaks my heart to see you like this and it would have been selfish, I could have been with my Jenny again, “ he paused angrily brushing aside his own tears. ‘but I couldn’t and I promised Kid that I would look after you and Mary” he looked deeply into her eyes “that means that I won’t let you grieve yourself to an early grave. Do you hear me’ he shook her gently “you will carry on with your life Lou if only for Mary. I won’t let you kill yourself”. He spoke sharply.

“Do you still miss Jenny?” she asked softly, her own grief momentarily pushed aside.

“Every day, I used to have a great gaping hole in my heart, I didn’t know how I was going to survive one night without her.’ He paused remembering his pain “The nights are the hardest, you have so much time just to lay there in that big bed and just think, it took me a long time to learn how to sleep again, but I took one day at a time, and slowly I have healed, now it doesn’t hurt to think about her. Now I can think about the good times without thinking about the pain, I can remember the love we shared without the emptiness of not having her with.”

Lou nodded as he spoke knowing the pain that she was feeling was what Buck had endured and knowing that with her families support she might just get through this ordeal just as he had.

“It does get better Lou. I promise you” he hugged her tightly, “I will always be here for you” both crying freely as their emotions overcame them.

A gentle knock on the door startled both of them, but Cody poked his head through the opening a sad smile on his face as he entered the room.

“I’m so sorry Lou” he spoke as he crossed the room to sit on the other side of the bed and pull her into his tight embrace, telling her wordlessly of his support.

“thanks for coming Cody” she murmured against his long blond hair

“We didn’t want to wake you, when we came up to check on you you were both asleep, well we thought you needed the rest, but we heard you talking and though that maybe this was important, it was delivered a little while ago.

“Who?” Buck frowned

“Dunno” he paused and explained himself “one of the kids from in town found it pinned to Kid’s office door, thought that maybe it was important and rode out her with it. He said he would have given it to you, but it was addressed to Lou.” Cody spoke as Lou took the envelope from his hand. Both men watched her run her fingers over the envelope almost as if she was afraid of it, but understanding her reluctance to open yet another letter of regret from the townsfolk.

Lou took a deep breath and slipped her finger under the flap of the sealed envelope, breaking the wax seal with a quick jerk of her hand. She unfolded the letter and read the large letters scrawled across the page. Buck watched the little colour she had regained drain from her face, and lifted the letter from her lifeless fingers to read it aloud cursing as he saw the words that had startled Lou so badly.

“The Marshall was unreasonable, Give us what we want and no one else will have to die”


	5. Chapter 5

“Lou” he spoke his voice calm watching for this to push her back into the misery he knew she harboured, at the same time wondering just how mush more she could take “This doesn’t mean anything, its is just someone trying to upset you.’ Buck tried to calm. drawing her back into his embrace as he helplessly watched her bottom lip begin to tremble anew, distressed at the thought that her love had not been killed in an accidental shooting but in a cold blooded murder. NO death was a good death, but to have his life deliberately taken by cold blooded killers would be the cruellest blow for his young family, having lost her husband in the line of duty gave some sense if not honour to the giving of his life, but murder was unthinkable to everyone in the room.

Cody leaned forward and took her hands in his brushing her fringe back from her face as he looked into her eyes “Lou if this letter is true, then we will find the people who have done this” he vowed his crystalline eyes looking deep into hers and vowing his sincerity to her “I promise you” She smiled a watery smile at both of them and climbed from Bucks comforting arms and the bed.

“where are you going Lou” Buck spoke urgently, worried about her mental state, this latest news might just push her into wanting to join her husband and in his own mind he felt he could not afford to leave her alone.

“I’m fine Buck, honest” she answered his concerns by leaning down and placing a gentle kiss on his caring forehead, “I know you don’t think so, but I’m not going to do anything silly.”

“I need to answer the call of nature” she spoke with a gentle blush “I promise I’ll be back in a moment” she spoke as she walked out of the door

Both men watched as she walked out of the room.

“she’ll be alright Buck, the old Lou is in there somewhere” “

It hurts me to see her in so much pain” Buck spoke his eyes liquid

“It hurts everyone else to see the both of you like this.” Cody his eyes shimmering with tears as he rested his head in his hands “It’s funny you know, when we all together there was something, no someone that bound us inexplicably together even so I never would have said that Kid was the glue that held the rest of us together, but..”

“He was Cody, just none of us ever really saw it.” Lou spoke from the doorway

She had washed her face and braided her hair while she was gone, changing into a pair of trousers and work shirt, carrying her boots in her hand.

“None of us realised just how much he silently held us together, not until he was gone” she murmured as she moved to the edge of the bed again.

“what are you doing?” Buck looked at her confused by her sudden change

“I’m trying to get on with my life” she stated.

“How are you doing that?” Buck asked him

“I’m going to find the man that killed my husband” she stated carefully

“How exactly are you planning to do this?” he asked already knowing in his own mind what she was planning

“You’re going to help me Buck” she paused watching the denial in his eyes

“Buck you know you have to do this for me” she waited for him to try to deny any of this to her

“Lou what about Mary” he tried to reason with her but she had the same look in her eye that they both remembered from their express days “You can’t leave her alone”

“I’m not leaving her alone, I’m leaving her with Rachel and you I suppose if you won’t help me” She stated her eyes filling with the fire they used to.

“Of course I’ll help you” he shook his head at his own stupidity “But you are all she has Lou, Let Cody and I find them”

“I won’t be able to look my daughter in the eye unless I know that I have done everything in my power to avenge his death.” she spoke, her voice filled with the fight she used to have while she was a pony express rider. Spirit that Buck hadn’t seen since the day Kid was killed. He watched the defiant tilt of her chin, the stubborn glint in her eyes and slid from the bed knowing that nothing was going to stop her from the task she had set herself.

“You know that I will help you, dammit I’d give my last breath for you, so don’t you even think that you are going to do this alone.” he took her into his arms and hugged her tightly before releasing her and putting one hand under her stubbornly jutting chin, turning her eyes to his “but we will do this my way, you are not going off half cocked and angry, we will think this out. Alright” he held her chin and looked deeply into her eyes waiting for some sort of response from her “Lou if you don’t agree, I don’t know how, but I will find a way to stop you - if I have to lock you up in the jail. So help me I will do it” he spoke his voice firm and angry with her for even contemplating throwing away what she had left

“I promise” she looked into Buck’s eyes and he knew that she was not lying to him.

“Okay” he spoke “ Now we’ll go and work out how we are going to catch them” he released her and turning they both encountered Cody’s smiling face

“What” they both almost spat in unison

“You two are sounding just like you did while we were riding, its almost nostalgic” his voice became a little wistful as the thoughts of the three of them drifted to back when they had first met and the lives that they had led.


	6. Chapter 6

Buck kept a close watch on Lou, knowing that when she was upset she was prone to doing things that under normal circumstances she would consider foolhardy even dangerous, but over the next two days they sifted through Kid’s office in town, searching desperately for something that would give them a clue, any clue to the identity of Kid’s killer. Neither of them were sleeping much, Lou’s loss still too hard for her to bear alone and Kid’s death had stirred up Buck’s own memories of Jenny, haunting his nights and his dreams. Both by unspoken agreement, spent the night in the others arms, the comfort of just being held enough to allow them a little sleep.

The posse returned empty handed and downhearted having lost the trail of the gunman that had senselessly slaughtered their beloved Marshall disappointed that they hadn’t been able to pick the trail up again. Buck blamed himself, he knew that if he had gone with the posse, he probably would not have lost the trail, but he was almost certain that he would have lost Lou.

The town surprised them all with their condolences, it seemed that the town had grown to accept them more than they had ever thought they would, Thompkins visiting them at home on the day of his return with the posse, with an announcement for Buck. He arrived while they were in the middle of a meal Lou, Rachel, Cody and Buck at one end of the bunkhouse table, their combined offspring at the other end of the table.

“Son, I know that we haven’t always seen eye to eye, and that sometimes the town hasn’t treated you fairly” he started his hat in his hand looking Buck squarely in the eye.

“Sometimes? What do you mean sometimes?” Rachel asked her voice raised in surprise, the times that the town had shunned the gentle Kiowa while the Express Station was still operating had hurt the other riders so it must have wounded Buck deeply.

“It’s alright Rachel. So, What are you saying Bill?” Buck, who even while Jenny had been alive had not been happy or comfortable with calling the man who had shown the strongest dislike of him, Father or Dad even to please the woman he loved. It had taken time but they had eventually compromised enough over time to call him by his Christian name.

“The town has held a meeting and they would be honoured if you would take over where Kid left off” he spoke watching the emotion when he mentioned Kid’s name glaze the eyes of the adults

“I can’t replace him” Buck spoke gazing almost blankly out the window knowing exactly what the town was asking, as Lou reached across and clasped his hand in hers in encouragement “But I will take the job if you want me to” he spoke looking into Lou’s velvet eyes knowing that he could count on her support if nobody elses.

Starr, almost a woman but still considered a child by her family, had been listening closely to the conversation, was dismayed by what she had heard “No” Starr cried and ran from the room tears clouding her beautiful eyes and slamming the door behind her so hard that the windows shook.

The adults all looked at one another in incredulation at the unexpected outburst from the usually quiet reserved girl.

“I’ll go talk to her” Lou spoke as she started to rise.

“No, I’ll go she needs to hear this from me” Buck rose and walked out the door leaving the others to entertain his father in law.

He knew exactly where to find his daughter. Whenever she was upset about anything, he knew he would find her exactly where they would have found Kid when he was hurting emotionally. Katy’s stall. Just as Kid had, Starr seemed to find comfort with the paint mare like she could with no other being.

Walking slowly into the stall he wasn’t surprised to see her huddled in the corner of the stall, sobbing noisily. He realised then just how deeply she was hurting, usually he would find her draped around the aging horses neck, rubbing her face against Katy’s neck, simply drawing comfort from the feel of the gentle beast as she stroked it.

Buck stroked Katy’s nose as he walked past the aging horse, listening to her softly whinny in response. Watching Starr, her arms drawn around her knees, sobbing against her clasped arms, his heart broke for the pain his daughter was feeling. Kneeling wordlessly in front of her he stroked her hair gently, wishing Jenny was here to help her through her emotional suffering.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly hoping that she would explain her actions to him. She shook her head wildly, her shiny black hair flicking against his hand like a mane..

“Starr I can’t help you if I don’t know why you are hurting?” he questioned her his heart breaking for the girl who so badly wanted to be thought of as an adult.

“I don’t want you to be Marshall.” She mumbled against her knees.

“Somebody has to do it sweetheart” he replied gently “The town needs someone to keep the peace”

“Let someone else do it” she spoke turning the eyes so much like her mothers to his

“I can’t Starr. I want to do this. I need to find the man that killed Kid” he explained his actions to his daughter, hoping that she would understand his actions.

She flung herself into his arms almost knocking him to the ground “Please daddy, I don’t want to lose you too”. Suddenly understanding why she was so upset, he loosened his embrace enough to be able to look into her face.

“Sometimes I forget that you are still so young,” he spoke, he truthfully forgot that his daughter was still only fourteen years old and basically still a child, he treated her as an adult in most things, including the running of the ranch, which she handled with the competency of a person twice her age but he often forgot that she was so young emotionally.

“You will not lose me my darling, even if the unthinkable should happen and I have to leave you, I will always be with you. I will never leave you Starr, always remember that.” He placed a hand over her heart “I will always be with you in here.” He spoke his voice quavering as he looked into eyes so like her mothers “Even in your darkest moments remember, your father will always be watching over you.”

“If you leave me I will be alone” she sobbed against his chest

“Lou is your family too Starr, and Rachel and Cody, but even when you think you are alone now, you will never truly be alone, mummy is always with you, just as she is always with me” the tears in his eyes overflowed as he looked into his daughters.

“You promise you will always be safe” she mumbled

“I can’t do that sweetie, but I can promise you that I will never put myself or anyone around me unnecessary danger.’ He replied

“You’ll catch the man that killed Uncle Kid?” she asked him

“I promise you that I will do anything within my power to catch him and bring him to justice” he answered her

Starr nodded her head and hugged her father tightly, almost reluctant to let him go as he helped her to her feet.

“C’mon we’ll go and see what else Grandpa has to say” He spoke as he looped an arm around her shoulders and walked with her from the stall.


	7. Chapter 7

Father and daughter crossed quickly to the bunkhouse, being met by worried eyes as they entered. Buck kissed his daughter gently on the top her head and let her resume her seat at the table. He met Lou’s worried eyes with a smile and a nod and then resumed his own seat.

“Have you changed your mind Buck?” Thompkins asked quietly, he had been against his daughters union with a ‘half breed’ but he had quickly found that Buck’s devotion to Jenny was immeasurable, his respect for the young man he had always maligned growing by leaps and bounds. It wasn’t long before he found him to be more honourable, loyal and trustworthy than any white man in his memory, and the love that he saw shining from Jenny’s eyes when she looked at him, was proof enough for him. He also knew that his granddaughters opinion would be the one thing that would stop Buck’s sense of honour from accepting the position he had been offered, his daughter’s wellbeing being the most important thing to him.

“No. I will take the job” Buck looked into his father in laws face and nodded grimly as Thompkins pulled the badge of office from his pocket and handed it to Buck.

“I’ll start tommorrow” Buck spoke as Thompkins walked toward the door. Buck followed him from the room and opened the door for him, following him onto the porch.

“Buck” Thompkins spoke seeming embarrassed “I know that we didn’t start out as friends, but I want you to know that I am proud to have you in my family. Starr is a credit to you and Jenny, she obviously loves you.” he paused “I just want you to know that you don’t have to do this.’

“Yes I do” Buck looked down at the cold metal star in his hand, his fingers rubbing absently across the embossed lettering “I owe it to Kid if nothing else” he spoke as he looked up at his father in law, his voice low he continued,

“If anything happens to me, I want Starr to stay with Lou” he spoke his voice catching as he spoke “They don’t have anyone else Bill, please leave her here”

“Nothing will happen, but I will respect your wishes” he nodded, having grown to respect and admire the woman the town had thought was a boy for so long. Taking one last look at his son-in-law, he turned and walked back into town.

“Kid wouldn’t expect you to do this you know” Lou spoke from behind him.

“I don’t want to talk about it Lou” he spoke flatly slipping the badge into his pocket

“Okay” she spoke holding her hands up in a gesture of obedience

Buck turned and walked away from her towards the small cemetery filled with so many of their friends. He knew that he was treating Lou badly, but the moment Bill had placed the badge in his hand a cold feeling of dread, a premonition almost, had passed over Buck and he didn’t want Lou to see the fear in his heart of what may happen. He knew that she still stood behind him and watched him, but if he stopped and tried to reassure her, he knew that she would realise what he was hiding from her.

Stopping only when he entered the cemetery, he knelt on the ground, not at any particular grave, knowing that he had too much churning in his mind to draw peace one of his friends in particular, needing instead just the solitude and tranquillity that came over him whenever he entered the tiny cemetery.

Lou spent more than an hour bathing and putting Mary to bed, then returned to the bunkhouse to help Rachel with the dishes while Starr read to Noah while he drifted off to sleep in her lap.

“Are you alright Lou?” Rachel asked quietly, sensing Lou’s distress

“I’m fine” Lou spoke softly, not wanting Starr to be alarmed by their conversation

“He’s going to be fine Lou.” Rachel stated flatly “He’s even more cautious than Kid”

“He’s only doing this to avenge Kid Rachel. I couldn’t bear it if he was hurt or God forbid worse because of some strange sense of duty or responsibility to Kid or me”

“Where is he?” Rachel asked softly

“He’s in the cemetery, he’s been there for nearly 2 hours now” Lou replied.

“why don’t you go and talk to him, he might listen to you” Rachel spoke

“He won’t change his mind now.” Lou spoke gently, almost wistfully “and I don’t have the right to ask him not to do it”

Rachel turned and handed Lou a shawl hanging on a hook, “Go, Lou” her eyes almost pleading with her younger friend “Talk to him, he respects your opinion...he always has”

Lou wrapped the shawl around her shoulders and walked across to the cemetery, the moon lighting her path. She stood uncertainly at the gate, then realising that he hadn’t even noticed she was there, she walked up behind him and touched his shoulder softly

“are you alright Buck?’ she asked quietly

“I’m fine Lou” he answered lithely rising to his feet and embracing her

“If you were fine you wouldn’t have been sitting out here for the last two hours”, she hugged him back “The kids are all in bed” she added for the first time in years, ill at ease around her best friend as they walked arm in arm back to the house.

“I’m sorry I’m doing this to you Lou” he turned her in his arms until he could look into her face.

“Doing what Buck?” she asked, putting her arms around his waist, wanting to show him in actions that she supported him.

“Upsetting you like this, you have enough to worry about without worrying about me too” his hands gently caressed her face, his thumbs stroking the dark shadowing under her eyes.

“I will always worry about you Buck” she looked deeply into his eyes trying to understand what was upsetting him so much

“I will find him Lou, whoever is doing this to you, the one that took Kid from you’ he vowed as he collected the fat tears that collected on Lou’s lashes

“I want that so badly Buck” she spoke choosing her words carefully “but its not as important as keeping yourself safe” she reached up, leaning into Buck for balance she placed a gentle lingering, affectionate kiss on his lips.

Taken by surprise, Buck pulled her closer against him, both of them deepening the kiss, their lips melding, their tongues duelling in a kiss that held all their fears, all their hopes and all their affections. Lou’s hand rising to tangle in his hair, Buck’s own hands travelling lower to lift Lou off her feet and press her tighter against him.


	8. Chapter 8

Buck came to his senses first, he set Lou from him still holding her, not sure if it was support for her or himsel. Breathing heavily, confused by the emotions surging through his mind and body he didn’t speak for what seemed an eternity. Lou breathing just as raggedly as he, turned her velvet tear filled eyes on him, filled with a new confusion.

“What are we doing Lou?” he spoke his voice hoarse and foreign to even himself.

Pulling herself from his loose embrace she ran toward the house, her hartbroken sobs ringing in his ears.

“Lou” he called “Lou please come back and we can talk about it” he didn’t run after her, he knew from bitter experience as far back as their express days that when she wanted to talk about it she would, until that time he would wait. He also knew that he had just handled that badly.

Never in a million years would he have expected the emotions that surged through him when they kissed, for years Lou had been like a sister to him, not allowing himself to feel anything else. Sure when the express was still operating all of the riders had fancied themselves a little in love with the only female rider but they had all known that she and Kid were meant to be. While Jimmy had never really accepted that until their marriage, he himself had known they were soul mates and had turned the affection he felt toward a more sisterly emotion.

The kiss that they had just shared had shattered that illusion. He had even kissed her before, but never before on the lips. Thank God that they had never kissed while they were riding or Kid would have had more then Jimmy for competition for Lou’s affections, and no matter how honorable his intentions were, there was no way that he could have walked away from the emotions that were currently surging through his soul. He realised now that his love for Lou had never changed, Jenny would always be his first and only true love and soul mate, but he knew that Lou would be his most enduring love. He didn’t know how it had happened it just did and now that it had, he knew that they could never go back to what they were. He would never forget the feel of her soft lips against his, the feel of her fingers tangling in his hair, the feel of her body pressed closely against him.

He walked slowly into the house and up to his bedroom, pausing momentarily at Lou’s closed door, knowing that he would spend a tortured night in her arms, knowing that he would never be able to lay platonically in her arms sleeping again. Their kiss had stolen that from him, but for Lou’s peace of mind he knew he would endure that exquisite torture. Seeing that she had closd the door against him, sealing him out of the bedroom he had shared with her for the last few nights, and he didn’t have the heart to intrude on her, so he continued on to his own bedroom.

Laying in the darkness, clad only in his long johns bottoms and a sheet, he stared at the ceiling thinking of his life, unable to sleep with his thoughts now in turmoil after the evenings events. So deeply engrossed in his own thoughts, he hadn’t heard the gentle knock at the door. He wasn’t aware of anything but his own musings until he realised that Lou was standing beside his bed dressed only in her white cotton nightgown.

“Buck, I’m sorry” she murmured “I didn’t want to disturb you but I can’t sleep.” she murmured her tears overflowing

Buck through back the sheet covering him and patted the bed beside him waiting for her to sink into the bed and his embrace. She lay with her back to him for some time, he knew she was still awake, her gentle hiccuping sobs breaking his heart, her tears wet against his arm.

“I’m sorry Lou,” he spoke against her hair, her scent alone driving him to distraction “I had no right to kiss you like that”

“It was as much my fault as yours” she murmured pausing “I miss Kid so badly, but I never expected to feel what I felt when I kissed you” she found the courage to tell him that while she wasn’t looking into the intensity of his eyes. “I feel like I betrayed him, by feeling what you have made me feel”

“I don’t want to disrespect Kid Lou” he spoke into her hair

“He would understand Buck” she rolled in his arms looking deeply into his eyes

“I know he would understand” she tried to convince herself “ he wouldn’t expect us to live our lives alone. I just don’t think he would have expected this to happen so soon”

“We can never go back to what we were Lou” he spoke calmly, his voice belying the emotions surging through his mind and body

“I know that Buck.” she paused “I fought so hard against coming to you, Jenny was my best friend, I thought that I had upset you and her memory”

“Lou” he murmured against her hair as he pulled her against him. “Jenny, I think always knew about you. She knew that we all loved you in our own way. She would be happy that we had found each other.” he kissed the top of her head, not trusting his tears not to overflow “I like to think that the others are all waiting for us, Ike, Noah, Jimmy, Teaspoon, Jenny and Kid. I hope that Kid is looking out for Jenny until we are together again, just as I hope he is waiting for you. But until the God’s say that our time has come and we can all be together again, I think they will understand, and would be happy for us even, but I know they are watching over us” Lou felt his tears on her hair, as her own tears fell on his chest, his explanation of their friends and family so touching to her. She leaned into him and placed a gentle kiss over his heart.

“You are such a good man Buck Cross” she spoke, her eyes drifting closed

“No Lou, I’m just a man” he spoke queitly against her, knowing that she was sinking into an exhausted sleep and also knowin that he wasn’t going to get any more sleep that night his mind and body awake in ways it hadn’t been since Jenny’s death.


	9. Chapter 9

arly the next morning before the sun was even past the horizon, Buck placed a gentle kiss on the slightly parted lips of the woman laying in his arms, before he slipped out of her embrace and tucked the sheet around her.

He had laid for many hours watching her sleep, as he had done many times back when they were all riding for the express, if he had a dollar for half the times he or one of the other boys had almost been caught just standing watching Lou sleep he would be a wealthy man today. He still didn’t know exactly what it had been about Lou that had attracted all of them to her like moths to a flame, all determined to protect her, they all knew that she was perfectly capable of looking after herself, but she still had an air of vulneratbility about her, that none of them had been able to resist.

This morning, as he had lain there, a sheen of moisture across his eyes, her slightly parted lips like a rosebud, his fingers genrly tracing the lush fullness of her bottom lip. As she had stirred in her sleep, and her arm tightened around his bare chest, he had forced himself to slide out of her embrace before the feelings coursing through his body ran away from him again, he now knew how he felt about Lou, but it was so soon after Kid’s death, he didn’t want her to be confused by her own feelings,so he had made his own decision during the night.

He dressed quickly and quietly, then slipped across the hall to place a kiss on the forehead of the tiny cherub in her bed, he walked out of the house and slipped a halter on his horse, mounting it bareback he rode briskly out of the barn and across the open prairie before him to think as the horse ran beneath him. He rode for what seemed like hours until he found himself dismounting his horse in front of Kid’s office. Shaking his head, he wondered when he would think about it as his own office. He knew that he was probably the only person who knew exactly what Kid’s killer looked like. He took a seat at the desk that had been Kid’s since Teaspoons death and was now his own. He studied each of the wanted posters carefully, taking his time and comparing each face with the face of the hobo that had taken the life of his best friend. Deciding on one of the posters, he folded it carefully and placed it securely in his vest pocket.

It was close to noon when Buck rode into the way station, he tended to his horse and walked slowly across to the bunkhouse, pausing only long enough to swing Mary into his arms and hugging her tightly, smiling as she ggigled wildly at his tickling.

“Uncle Buck” she giggled “Where is Mama?” she became more seious as she saw Buck’s eyes cloud

“I don’t know honey” Buck spoke looking toward the bunkhouse he saw Rachel shake her head “but I’m sure she’ll be back soon.” Buck placed her back on the ground, steadyig her until her little legs were steady under her “Why don’t you go and play with Noah Mary”

“Okay Unc Buck” she spoke and went in search of her cousin Noah. Buck watched her go for a couple of minutes and then walked briskly up to where Rachel stood on the bunkhouse steps.

“where is she?” Buck asked without preamble concerned about Lou

“She’s up in the bedroom” Rachel spoke not sure where to begin “she’s upset about something. You wouldn’t have any isea would you?” she asked her shrewd eyes not missing the pain that flashed through Bucks face

Buck looked at the woman who was like a mother to them all and knew that he wouldn’t be able to hide his feelings from her “I love her Rachel, and I think she loves me” he spoke softly

“Buck I’m happy for you” Rachel started “But are you sure Buck, please don’t rush her, its too soon”

“Don’t you think I don’t know that” he spat more angry at himself than Rachel

“She kissed me last night, she meant it as a kiss of friendship, but something happened. Something that I didn’t expect and I couldn’t help myself, I kissed her back.” he looked at Rachel the pain in his eyes almost tangible as he sank to sit on the step “I never expected to feel this way, but I do Rachel. God help me I love her, I know now I always have”

Rachel sank down beside him on the step and cradled him in her arms she could feel his torment, feel his pain and she knew that not a soul could help either of them, this was something that they had to work out for themselves.

“Did she tell you how she feels?” Rachel asked

“She is confused Rachel, she says that she feels the same way, I don’t know what to do I don’t want to hurt her any more, so I am going to give her the only thing that I can. I am going to find the man who killed Kid” he spoke as Rachel absently stroked his hair, feeling his pain

“She will come back to us Buck” she spoke “Maybe you should go and talk to her, I tried, maybe you should, maybe she will listen to you.”

Buck stood and kissed Rachel on the forehead “Thanks Rach” he murmured as he started to walk over to the house.

Entering silently he moved up the stairs and stood outside the door of Lou’s bedroom, not sure if he should intrude, but still pushing the door open. What he saw when he opened the door nearly broke his heart. Lou sat on the bed surrounded by Kid’s clothes, Clinging to one of his shirts, her tears dampening it as she cried. Moving to the side of the bed he knelt there and spoke softly to her

“Lou, tell me what is it?” he murmured almost frightened of her answer

“You weren’t there this morning, I thought that maybe you were frightened of what I had with Kid.” she spoke through her sobs “I thought that I could pack his things away, so we could have a fresh start” she paused her sobbing getting worse

“but I can’t do it Buck” she murmured “I smelt the scent of Kid on his clothes and I just couldn’t do it” she held out the shirt in her arms “See it still smells of him”

“Lou, don’t do this to yourself” he spoke softly “You don’t have to do this at all” he moved to sit beside her on the bed as he indicated Kid’s belongings “Honey I loved Kid too, more than you will ever know. No matter what happens between us, I would never ever expect you to behave like he had never existed” he stroked her hair before placing one gentle loving hand under her chin and turning her face to his.

“Honestly” she smiled waterily

“Honestly” he answered “Whatever happens between us will happen because you want it too, and only when you want it to” he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and stood and walked out of the room not trusting himself to stay with her.


	10. Chapter 10

Buck had been unable to settle for the rest of the day, confused by his own surging feelings and Lou’s fragile emotions, so he set about completing some of the menial tasks that were left around the ranch. Just after supper, the children in bed, he sat at the bunkhouse table, with his back to the door, his physical exhaustion clear to both Rachel and Cody. Lou hadn’t come down to supper but he knew the moment that she opened the door. His heart beat faster in his chest, he was almost convinced that everyone in the room could hear it, as he waited for Lou to speak sure that she was going to break his fragile heart. He had never hoped to fall in love again after Jenny and now that he had, he felt sure that he was going to be hurt.

He was surprised, however, when she walked to stand behind him, her tiny hand on his shoulder. He leaned into her tender embrace, encouraged by her gentle touch.

“Thank you Buck” she murmured as she leaned down to place a soft kiss on his cheek, her lips lingering for just a moment longer than they would normally.

“Cody when do you go back to work?” Buck refused to even mention the show that Cody was the proud proprietor of.

“I can stay for a little while longer…why?” he asked, confused by the way the

Buck and Lou were still touching, he knew that something was going on between the two of them and frankly he wasn’t sure about it. He hoped that nothing could have ever come between Kid and Lou, but this sudden affection for Buck from Lou startled him and the thought of them both betraying their mutual friend angered him.

“I wanted to ask you to stay and look after Lou and Rachel and the kids for me Cody” Buck spoke, truly sorry that he had upset her when Lou tensed beside him.

“Why?” Cody asked thoughtfully wondering exactly what his friend was up to

“I won’t let you do it Buck” Lou spoke hitting him on the shoulder, her face full of her fury

“You’re not letting me do anything Lou.” He paused “I’m doing the duty I swore an oath on.” He flinched as he felt her anger and she retracted her embrace

“You are not going anywhere, we will all go, just like in the old days, we can look after each other.” She spoke more calmly “I can’t let you go alone. Please Buck?” she pleaded with him her eyes liquid.

“I don’t want you in any danger Lou” he paused looking deeply into her eyes

“You’re too important to me Louise, please. If I can give you nothing else, I will find the man who killed your love.” he almost begged her, both of them forgetting the other occupants of the room.

“Dammit Buck” she cursed at him “I thought you of all people would understand me” she lifted her skirts higher and ran out of the bunkhouse, tears falling anew.

Buck sat silently at the table his head in his hands, he knew that he had handled that badly but he honestly didn’t want her in any more danger than was necessary.

“What’s going on Buck?” Cody spoke his voice more aggressive than he intended.

“Nothing Cody” Buck spoke carefully hearing the tone of his friend’s voice, wondering where his anger was coming from.

“Don’t give me that bull, I want to know if this was going on before Kid was killed. I want to know if you’re glad he was killed.” He paused his blue eyes filled with angry tears “I want to know how you could do this to him” he spoke his voice angry punctuating each statement by hitting the table in front of him.

“Billy” Rachel admonished seeing the way that his words wounded the gentle man in front of her.

“Cody No” Buck shook his head dismayed by his friend’s thoughts eager to right his opinion of Lou

“Well what the hell is going on now?” he asked his expression perplexed

“Nothing yet Cody” Buck held both of his hands up in front of him “Honestly Cody, nothing.” He paused trying to formulate what he wanted to say to Cody “This is all new to me, but I swear to you I never consciously thought of her that way while Kid was alive, I could never have hurt Kid like that” he paused his heart in his throat as he tried to explain his feelings “I don’t know how or why it happened Cody but I do love her, and when she is ready I am going to court her, properly” Buck’s voice grew wistful “But in the meantime, I am going to catch the man who made her a widow” he spoke firmly seeing the look of grudging acceptance on Cody’s face Rachel spoke.

“You don’t know what she is talking about do you?” Rachel asked softly from where she had taken a seat across the table from him. Buck shook his head as he looked up at Rachel

“God Buck, you of all people should know her by now” Rachel almost cursed, “She has loved two men, she never got to say goodbye to either of them, before they were snatched away from her. She is frightened Buck, she wants to give you her heart, but she doesn’t want to say goodbye” Rachel explained “You know she can handle herself and a gun, what harm can it do to take her with you”

“Nothing is going to happen to me Rachel, but if I have to take her with me, I won’t concentrate, I’ll be worried about her. I know how much she loves Kid I don’t want to put her in that position” He spoke trying to explain why he wouldn’t take her with him

“Well go and tell her that stupid” Rachel stated


	11. Chapter 11

Wearing his heart on his sleeve he once again crossed to the house and followed the same path he had trodden so many times in the last few days, it just seemed with each journey he was becoming more and more uncertain about his future with the woman he now knew that he loved.

Standing in her open doorway, he surprised by the fact that she was not in the room. Confused he scratched his head wondering just where she could have disappeared to now. His mind in turmoil, he decided that she probably didn’t want to see him again tonight and turned to return to his own bedroom, knowing that if she wanted to find him, that was as good a place as any. Besides he couldn’t face the questions that he knew he would face if he returned to his friends. Entering his room he closed the door behind preparing himself to face a long sleepless night.

Walking to his bed, guided only by the moonlight shining through the uncurtained windows he slipped his vest and his shirt from his shoulders, hanging them on his bedpost, he sank to sit on the side of his mattress to pull his boots from his feet.

“I’m sorry Buck” Lou’s gentle words startled him.

Turning his head, he noticed her sitting on the window seat that he and Kid had built while this room was being used as a nursery. Unsure of what she was apologising for he watched her rise and walk towards him, completely unaware of how beautiful she was in his eyes.

“You have nothing to apologise for Lou,” he stroked her hair as she fell to her knees at his feet.

“Yes I do” she spoke resting her chin against his knees “I have no right to expect you to do as I want. I’m sorry for that” she looked into his face, his own eyes turning liquid as he watched the turbulent emotions in her face.

“You have every right Lou, every right in the world” he placed his hands under her arms and lifted her from the ground and onto his lap. Unable to resist, he placed a gentle hand against her cheek and turned her face to his. He looked deeply into her tear swollen eyes and watched as her teeth nervously worried her bottom lip.

“I’m sorry Lou” he spoke as his head bent gently to hers, their lips meeting almost tentatively at first. They kissed, long and tenderly, their hands caressing the others body in ways they never had before, almost as if they were afraid the other would evaporate.

Buck pulled back from Lou, his hands framing her face, his lips leaving hers lingeringly, his breathing as erratic as her own, he rested his forehead against hers trying to catch his breath and compose his thoughts now that the woman that had become a drug to him was in his arms.

“I have no right to be making you feel these things Lou. You are confused enough, you don’t need me making it worse.”

“I’m not confused about my feelings for you Buck. I just don’t want to lose you, not when I have only just found you” she spoke her own voice as shaky as his.

“Lou, now that I know what my feelings for you mean, you will never leave me, you are like a thirst in my soul, I long to drink from the pool of your love. I could not leave you, even if I tried” he paused “unless you asked me to” he finished his impassioned statement to her his eyes never leaving hers, trying to gauge, what she was thinking.

“Buck” was the only word she could murmur as her lips met his again, her hands travelling across his bare chest, sending a shiver through his body.

“Lou” he forced himself to tear his mouth from hers, his noble intentions nearly obliterated as she lifted one dainty hand to gently wipe the moisture that lingered at the corner of his mouth. He grabbed both of her hands in his and looked into her passion drugged eyes trying to get his message across to her. “Lou, sweetheart, if we go much further I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.” At her continued silence he tried one last time “Honey I told you I wouldn’t rush you, and I won’t, but I need you to help me. I couldn’t bear it if you regretted anything we do in the morning. I want you to be sure that this is what you want. I want you to know that this is me. I don’t want you to be confused about who I am” He spoke his voice cracking with emotion knowing that he would not be able to stand the pain of her making love to Kid through him. “If you don’t want this tonight, that is fine, we can just go to sleep.” He spoke to her knowing that, if that was what she wanted he would honour her wishes, but he would not be getting any sleep this night.

“I know who you are Buck” she placed a gentle kiss on his lips “You are a good sweet kind man who thinks of everyone but himself” she murmured. “I know exactly what I am doing, please don’t deny me this Buck” she kissed him gently again

”I am confused about a lot of things Buck, but my feelings for you are not one of them.” She kissed him

“Lou, If you keep kissing me I won’t be responsible for what happens” he spoke his voice husky

“maybe I don’t want you to be responsible” she murmured as she pushed him back onto the bed falling onto the mattress beside him, still cradled in his arms.

“Maybe just once we could think of ourselves, just this once and not worry about who or what we will be hurting” she leaned up on her elbow until she was looking into his passion clouded eyes “maybe just this once we can think about each other and forget the rest of the world” her fingers traced tiny whorls on his chest as she spoke, her actions and her words pushing Buck past his better judgement as he rolled to pull her deeper into his arms, his lips meeting hers wetly and continuing the dance that they had just begun.


	12. Chapter 12

Buck inhaled deeply, not quite awake yet, but loving Lou’s scent as he nuzzled against the top of her head. Realising where he was, he opened his eyes, pulling back slightly to look into her contented sleeping face his own eyes dreamy. Relaxed in her slumber, she looked no older than she did when they were riding for the Express. He lifted a hand and traced his thumb across her lush , kiss swollen lips.

He blinked back tears as he remembered the night they had just shared. No matter what else happened in his life, he knew that he would remember last night for the rest of his days. They had shared their newfound love and then laid cradled in each others arms, talking into the wee hours of the morning. They shared things in the darkness, that Buck had never thought he would share with anyone else, things he hadn’t spoken about to anyone since Jenny’s death. Jenny. His beloved wife. He knew that every day her spirit was watching over both he and Starr, and somehow he knew that she understood all about his feelings for Lou.

Lou cuddled closer to him in her sleep her arms tightening its hold around his torso. He could only hope that she had found some comfort talking to him last night. She had laid in his arms, his breath warm on her neck, his arms tight around her and spoke quietly and calmly to him of Kid. She had shared with him the dreams she and Kid had shared, their hopes, their plans for the future that had been stolen from them, her regrets of things that they had not done. It was almost like she was purging her soul. He could only hope that she would not regret the things that they had done, or the things that she had told him.

Realising that the sun had almost cleared the distant mountains, he pulled himself from his musings, knowing that his duty called him, each day that passed the killers trail got harder to follow. He knew that Lou could not truly be his until the man who had killed Kid was brought to justice. Buck slipped out from underneath Lou’s arms, placing a pillow in her arms as she reached for him. Smiling as she cuddled into the feathery mass and settled back into her deep slumber. Leaning forward he placed a tender kiss on her lips before he lifted his clothes from the bed post and slipped into them. Pushing his feet into his boots, he spared her one last loving glance before he lifted his saddle bags off the chair by the door and then left the room.

Pausing at the bottom of the stairs he stopped only long enough to write a note for Lou and the others, and pack some beef jerky into his saddle bags. He pinned the note to the banister and slipped out the door to saddle his horse. He was just fitting a halter to a second horse when a noise in the doorway startled him.

“Where do you think you are going?” Cody’s voice spoke as Buck wheeled to find the intruder

“To find his killer” Buck stated flatly as he turned to resume his task

“Why are you sneaking away.” Cody asked already knowing the answer

“Because I have the courage to face a man with a gun, but not Lou in a temper okay’ Buck spoke

“You’ll hurt her doing this” Cody spoke knowledgeably, remembering the last time they had left Lou behind, both remembered how much trouble she had gotten herself into.

“Don’t let her follow me Cody, please?” Buck almost pleaded “I need to know she’s safe”

“Done” Cody spoke walking over to embrace his friend “Look after yourself, theres not enough of us left” he murmured gruffly

“Always” he paused “Besides I have someone to come home to now” he swung onto his saddle and tipped his hat to Cody “I will come back to her Cody, no matter what, I will be back”

“Good Luck” cody smacked Buck’s horses rump and then returned to the bunkhouse to await the explosion he knew was coming.

Lou awoke slowly, snuggling into the clean crisp scent she knew was Buck’s. Reaching her hand across the bed, she felt for him, her eyes opening in surprise when she couldn’t find him. Rolling over, fully awake now she knew something was wrong, she just didn’t know what. She slipped from the bed and hurriedly into her clothes. Running down the stairs barefoot, she saw the note attached to the banister and knew that her worst fears were confirmed. Pulling the note from it’s pin, she sank to sit on the bottom step and read it.

“My darling Lou, Please forgive me for what I am about to do, but I do not have the strength or the courage to say goodbye to your face, or to make you stay here. Please understand that I trust you and I know that you can take care of yourself, but I do not trust myself. I can’t concentrate on anything but you while I am with you especially after last night you fill my heart and soul with joy and hope that I never thought I would feel again. I want to come home to you, so we can start a new life together, but to do that I need to find this man alone. Please promise me you won’t cry for me, but wait here for me, and try not to worry. I will find him for you, and he will pay for what he did to you. All my Love Buck”

Lou’s tears splashed on the paper she held in her hands, knowing that her noble lover was placing himself in danger for her. She wanted nothing more than to follow him, but if it killed her she would accept his wishes and wait here not so patiently for him.


	13. Chapter 13

Buck rode for days, missing his assailant in each town he passed through by a day sometimes less. Each night he spent wrapped in his bedroll dreaming of the night that he and Lou had spent together and dreaming of what their futures would be. He missed her more than he could have ever imagined, but he would not go home without a prisoner. Each day he got a little closer to his quarry, he knew that the man was running scared, he was also sure that he had chosen the right man, each town he had passed through had lost their lawman while the nameless man had been there. Buck didn’t know what his problem with the law was, but he had picked the wrong man when he had killed Kid and he would pay for the injustices he had handed out with his thoughtless actions. What he failed to notice was that the path of his quarry was actually circling back towards his own home.

\--oo0000oo--

As the days turned into weeks, both Cody and Rachel were amazed at the tranquility of Lou’s emotions. When Cody had explained Buck’s actions to Rachel, both of them had expected that Louise would take the news badly and follow Buck regardless of his excuses. Instead, Lou had happily stayed at the ranch, spending many hours with Mary, helping Rachel and Starr with the chores, spending the evenings talking to her husband’s headstone. However, Buck had been gone for a little more than four weeks when Lou’s serene moods began to unravel.

Rachel worried about her, knowing that she was worried about something, she just assumed it was Buck’s safety, but it didn’t take her long to realise that something else concerned her and she sought her out one morning, finding her sitting behind the barn, just watching the sun rise.

“Rachel” Lou exclaimed “what’s wrong?” she asked thinking that one of the children was ill

“I was hoping you could tell me” Rachel spoke as she pulled up a seat on the hay bale next to her best friend.

Lou shook her head, her bottom lip quivering.

“Lou you know that you can tell me anything don’t you” she paused thinking tha maybe Lou was embarrassed about having feelings for Buck so soon after Kid’s death. “Nothing you can say to me will offend me” Lou stood stiffly and stalked off to stand a few feet away, turning back to speak to Rachel, her voice little more than hicupping sobs “What if I were to tell you that I think I’m pregnant and I don’t know who the father is?” she folded her arms across her chest, her hands shrouding her face, not wanting to uncover her face and see the disgust on the face of the woman who had been her confidant since she was a teenager.

Rachel was instantly on her feet, moving to take her friend in her arms, completely understanding Lou’s reluctance.

“Oh Lou” she held her close “That’s nothing to be ashamed of honey” she held her while she sobbed like her heart was breaking

“what will the townsfolk say?” Lou asked softly

“It’s none of their business, but the one’s that matter will be happy for you, you know that nothing that the small minded petty litte gossips in town say can matter to any of us” Rachel spoke cupping Lou’s face with one hand she wiped away her tears.

“Do you have any idea whose baby it coud be?” Rachel asked quietly, knowing that she was risking a flood of tears again.

“No” Lou spoke her chin jutting forward stubbornly “What am I going to tell Buck?”

“I’m so surprised that you even have to ask Lou.” Rachel spoke to her sternly

“He will be thrilled, either way you will have a baby that you can raise together, can mold into the same honorable soul both of its fathers have.

“he so badly wants another baby” Lou spoke sinking back into Rachel’s embrace “Jenny was expecting when she died.” she spoke

“I didn’t know” Rachel murmured

“No one did, he told me the night before he left.” she spoke quietly

“Lou, he will be thrilled to know that you are expecting, Kid was like a brother to him, I’m sure he would be honoured to raise Kid’s child, you know that the two of you have the rest of your lives, but this could be the last part of Kid you have left.” Rachel spoke wisely

“I know that, I just didn’t want to hurt him” Lou murmured “but I don’t know how to tell him”

“You could never hurt him Lou, I think he is more concerned with hurting you.” Rachel spoke to her

“What do you mean?” Lou frowned

“He worries about you, he fought against going to you, he didn’t want you to be confused by your feelings for him” Rachel explained

“I do love him Rachel.” she sank to the ground on her knees “It’s not the same as Kid, but I do love him” she spoke as if to herself

“Why don’t you tell me about it Lou?” Rachel sank to the ground “Maybe if you talk about it, it will be clearer to you”

“Kid was like part of my soul, it was like we were two halves of the one soul.” she paused “but Buck is like well a comfortable old jumper” she tried to explain

“What do you mean?” Rachel asked quietly

“I think I have always loved him I just never realised until Kid was taken from me. Sort of like a comfortable old jumper, always there but you never realise just how much you love it until your favourite is taken away” Rachel smiled at Lou’s analogy, not quite sure that Buck would like to be compared to a jumper. “Does that make sense?”

“Of course it does sweetheart” Rachel took both of Lou’s hands in hers “I didn’t realise that you had both become so close so quickly”

“It was the night before he left” Lou blushed hotly “no matter what anyone thinks Rachel, we never even thought about each other this way while Kid was alive”

“I never even considered that Lou” Rachel spoke “You don’t have to explain your actions to anyone”

“I didn’t want you to think that I would do that to him” she replied.

“C’mon honey” Rachel started to rise to her feet pulling Lou with her “Let’s go make breakfast”


	14. Chapter 14

Buck was becoming more and more frustrated with the pursuit of Kid’s killer. It seemed that no matter what he did, he could not catch up with this man, and more and more innocent lawman were losing their lives in every town he passed through.

It had been almost six weeks since he had seen Lou and with each day that passed he became more and more unsure of Lou’s emotions. shaking his head he sat by his small campfire, his bones weary from weeks of tracking and sleeping on hard packed earthen floors, but still he looked into the crackling flames, drawn into his own misgivings about their relationship.

Looking deep into his own soul he knew that, should she have turned to him out of grief, or even just the need to feel loved or needed again, he would not hold her to the things they had said in the one night they had shared. It would break his heart for him to let her go, but her would if that was what she wanted, or what she needed to make herself whole again, he would gladly let her spread her wings and fly free just to see her return to her old self again. Okay, so maybe not gladly, but if it meant she was happy, that was all the incentive he would need. Picking up the peices of his shattered heart would not be easy, but he would get over it somehow. Hell, just having her in his life, after having tasted the nectar of her love just once would be torture, but he didn’t have the strength to remove himself from her life completely.

Settling into his bedroll, he turned his thoughts to his other problem. How on earth was he going to tell Lou that he had failed in his quest to catch her husband’s killer. He knew that she wouldn’t hold it against him, but still he had failed himself. He had promised himself that he would give Lou her husband’s killer, if he could give her nothing else. Now, two days away from home he realised that he would not be able to give her the one thing he thought she needed.

\--oo0000oo--

Lou sat on the bunkhouse porch, a napping Mary cradled in her arms, weary but unlike her previous pregnancies, she hadn’t suffered from a moment of sickness. Knowing that they were alone at the station, Rachel, Cody, Starr and Noah having gone into town to do some shopping she had spent the afternoon playing with her daughter. Supper was no ready and waiting, so as Mary slept she tilted her head back against the wall, and dozed off, her mind drifting to thoughts of Buck as they now oftern did when she slept, her hand lightly caressing the slight bulge already forming in her belly. Her mind consumed with her own thoughts of how Buck would react to her news. She hoped that he would be happy for the both of them as Rachel told her daily, but there was still the niggling feeling in the back of her mind that he would be disappointed with her impending motherhood.

Startled by a noise, she lifted her head to find a a horse approaching the bunkhouse. Wary of all strangers while she was alone at the station, she lifted her tiny daughter and quickly moved inside placing Mary in one of the bunks to sleep on in peace. Lifting the shotgun that was kept by the door, she walked back to the porch and stood at the top of the steps waiting for the rider to get closer. Watching carefully, her smile widened at the visitor got even closer, until she dropped the gun unnoticed to the ground, running down the stairs and towards the rider, tears of joy spilling down her cheeks.

\--oo0000oo--

Buck watched the woman he loved run towards him, realising that no matter what demons he had thought up, he was wrong. Slipping one leg over his horses neck, he slid from the saddle to the ground, his only thought to take Lou into his arms again. Lou ran into his arms, their lips meeting as they met, he lifted her from her feet and swung her into his arms. Their initial joy of reunion passing, he lowered her to the ground and hugged her close against his chest.

“I missed you” she spoke softly

“I haven’t caught him yet Lou” Buck spoke real disappointment in his voice, he wasn’t sure what disappointed him more, the fact that he hadn’t caught him or that she hadn’t told him she loved him, as he had often witnessed her doing when Kid returned from a run.

“You will Buck, I know that you will.” she murmured feeling his disappointment, wanting the joy she had felt in him to return.

“Dad” Starr called as she rode into the station, closely followed by Rachel and Cody in the buckboard. Starr jumped from her horse and ran to her fathers embrace, as he reluctantly released Lou for long enough to embrace his beloved daughter. Taking one of his beloved women under each arm he walked towards the buckboard and his remaining family.

“Buck” Cody nodded and shook his hand briskly before drawing him into his embrace. Then embraced Rachel tightly

“We’ve missed you Buck” Rachel spoke for all of them as she watched him take Lou back into his arms again.

“All I want is to sleep in a real bed again. I’ve almost forgotten what a real bed is, or real food” he spoke wistfully

“C’mon, Supper is ready” Lou spoke as she grabbed him by the hand and dragged him into the bunkhouse. They all sat down to a sumptuous meal of steaming beef stew and fresh biscuits. Mary waking when she heard her beloved

Uncle Buck’s voice, she refused to relinquish her place on his lap until her eyes were once again closing, missing him more than her young mind knew how to accept.

The night seemed to go on interminably, neither Buck nor Lou being able to think of an excuse to extract themselves from the family reunion. Finally, long into the night Buck carried the sleeping Mary back to the house, Lou following close behind him, his hand firmly grasped in hers eager to spend some time alone together, just the two of them.


	15. Chapter 15

Lou stood at the doorway of her tiny daughter’s bedroom and watched with tears in her eyes as Buck the sleeping angel in her bed then placed a gentle kiss on her cherubic face. She knew that he loved her daughter like she was his own and as she grew Lou knew that whether they became a couple or not he would happily fill the role that in other circumstances would have been Kid’s, but she still wondered how he would take the news that she was expecting another, a child that could possibly have been created on the one night they had spent together.

Her tears overflowed as she realised that he hadn’t spoken of their night together, or indeed of their love yet. His actions all spoke of his affection, but then he had always been affectionate, unconsciously lavishing gestures and touches showing the depth of his emotions on his family. Her tears trickled down her cheeks as she gazed at him, kneeling at her baby’s side, her mind once again in a whirl, praying that he would be happy about her condition.

Buck, stood and turned to look at the woman that he was sure was about to break his heart. So convinced was he that she was going to tell him that she didn’t love him, he didn’t look directly into her face, choosing to stand there momentarily looking at his feet, trying to work up the courage to face her. Hearing her heartbroken sob, his eyes flew to search her face for the cause of her sorrow, but it was too late, she had fled for the room she had become accustomed to sleeping in, his bedroom. His eyes turned liquid as he realised that she couldn’t even bring herself to look at him, let alone love him. Buck followed her slowly, trying desperately to keep some perspective and not break down in front of her, whatever happened it was her decision and he would respect her wishes.

He walked into his bedroom to find she was curled on his bed, his pillow cradled in her arms sobbing wildly. Realising that her heart was breaking, he knelt on the bed behind her and pulled her into his arms.

“Lou I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong?’ he spoke softly against her soft hair

“Buck” she murmured as she melted into his arms

“Lou, I’ll understand if you’ve changed your mind, if you think the night we spent together was a mistake.’ he spoke against the top of her head unable to hide the faint quaver in his voice.

“Have you?” she spoke her voice catching in her throat as she did

“That’s not fair Lou, I don’t want you to feel responsible for my feelings” he pulled her closer as she would have turned in his arms “No matter what I feel, I will respect your wishes” his lips touched the top of her head

“No I haven’t” she spoke softly “But I do have a problem” she turned and pulled out of his arms moving to the end of the bed to set with her arms wrapped around her knees.

“We can fix anything honey” he spoke as he moved to kneel in front of her on the bed and pull her trembling hands into his own.

“I’m pregnant Buck” she murmured her voice less then a whisper, her tears overflowing

Buck watched her, knowing that she and Kid had been trying for a baby for some time, thinking that she should be the happiest girl in the world. Lou gazed into her lovers eyes and realised the exact moment that he realised that the baby could be his. His eyes looked like molten chocolate as tears clouded his vision, trying not to cry as he realised that Lou’s dismay could only be caused by the fact that she didn’t want his child.

“whose baby is it Lou?” he asked softly, dreading the answer that he knew he would get

“I don’t know Buck” she murmured her own tears cascading down her cheeks. Knowing that the happiness of their whole future hinged on this conversation, he crawled forward and drew her into his arms, gently stroking her hair as he pulled her against his chest.

“Lou” he paused trying to choose his words carefully “I know how hard the two of you were trying to have a baby” he soothed her gently “I know that you don’t want to have my baby Lou, that’s okay really, I understand truly I do, but there’s a lot less chance of it being my baby than Kid’s” he spoke softly, startled when she pulled out of his arms and looked at him in incredulation.

Realising that he was unsure of her feelings she took one of his hands and placed it over the slight bulge at her waistline.

“Buck no” she shook her head wildly one of her hands over his, the other cupping his face “Its not that at all” she smiled waterily “I so badly wanted you not to be hurt” she murmured “I so badly want this to be Kid’s baby” she paused and looked at the pained expression in his eyes “but I wanted so badly for it to be your baby as well”

He sat there for a moment his hand gently caressing the source of Lou’s torment, then pulled her into his embrace, letting her lay against him, his hands caressing her belly gently, almost reverently. “

I could never ever regret you bearing his child Lou, he is the man you love, but I can promise you this baby will grow up with a father that loves him or her, but will also know what a wonderful person Kid was.” he kissed the side of her neck “Please Lou don’t let things upset you like this. Talk to me.” he turned her face to gently meet her lips “I love you Lou, we can get through this” he lifted his hand to gently wipe the tears from her cheeks.

Lou turned in his embrace and returned his kiss, smiling against his lips as he sank into her embrace, her torment of the past weeks now passing behind her, their only thoughts to bring the other pleasure.


	16. Chapter 16

Buck opened his eyes slowly, not wanting his dreams to recede. A smile spreading across his face as he realised that Lou lay in his arms, her fluttering breath warm on his bare chest. Placing a kiss on the top of her tousled head, he was surprised when she turned her face up to his and met his lips wetly.

“Good Morning” she murmured as their lips parted “I’m sorry I doubted you” she spoke

“Every morning while I was away, I woke up each morning from dreams of waking with you in my arms” he spoke as he tightened his embrace “thank you Lou” he placed his lips on hers again and pulled her tighter into his arms.

“Do you think they’d be happy for us?” she murmured against his chest, thoughts of their first loves always in her mind.

“I know that Jenny would be, and I would like to think that Kid would too.” He rolled onto his side and pulled her into his arms so he could look into her face “I know that he wouldn’t want you to spend your life alone and I think that he would be happy that we have found each other.”

“Thanks Buck” she murmured “For everything” she hugged him tighter

“So when are we getting married” he asked softly knowing that she would fight him on this, and as she lay silently in his arms he continued “Lou, I know that you only lost Kid a few weeks ago, but I can’t let you go through this alone.” he spoke realising the error of his words as she stiffened against him

“You’re not letting me do anything Buck” she spoke a little sharply pulling out of his embrace and rolling away from him.

“Lou I realise I didn’t do that well, but it won’t take long for the town to find out about us” he spoke “I thought that maybe when I get back from catching Kid’s killer we might be able to organise a wedding.” he murmured as he stroked her bare shoulder.

“You thought wrong Buck” she spoke as she turned back to face him “I love you Buck, surely you know that” she moved to place one of his hands against the slight bulge of her bare stomach “we need you too, more than you will ever know, but I can’t marry you yet, please” she spoke lifting her hand to stroke the light beard stubble on his cheek

He smiled at her waterily “I suppose that will have to do” he murmured pulling her into his embrace, resting his chin against the top of her head, not wanting her to see his tears. He knew how hard this whole situation was for her, he didn’t want his own turbulent emotions upsetting her any more than they needed too. He had never dreamed that one day he would be asking Lou to be his wife, but now that he had, the disappointment he felt at her rejection was more than he had anticipated, but he would not let her be confused by his own reactions.

“Will you be okay if I leave today?” he asked placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head

“You’re not going to be away for long are you?” she asked

Buck hestitated answering, knowing Lou’s penchant for justice, he also knew that given her mental state at the moment he didn’t trust her not to chase after her beloved husband’s killer, but he couldn’t lie to her.

“I tracked him back to Rock Creek Lou, I can’t find him but I know he is here somewhere.” he spoke feeling her tense “I will catch him today darling, then we can start our lives with a clean slate.’

She lifted her head to look into Bucks face “As much as I want to see him pay for what he has done to us, maybe you should let him go Buck.” she wriggled forward until she was leaning over him her hands framing his face her lips scant inches from him “I could not go on if I lost you too Buck, maybe you should just let him go”

“I can’t do that Lou.” he lifted his head to press his lips against hers, before he pushed her onto her back, rolling with her to end laying across her chest trying to distract her from her questions.

“I promised myself I would bring this man to justice” he spoke softly stringing soft kisses across her face “why are we wasting our time talking Lou, this is our first morning together, lets make the most of it” deepening their kiss and drawing her closer into his arms, making her forget anything she was thinking about.

-oo0000oo-

Some time later, Lou carefully slid out from under Buck’s arm, pushing the lock of wispy ebony hair back from his forehead she quietly dressed, careful not to wake her lover. Lifting his vest from the bedpost, she pulled a piece of folded paper from the inner pocket. Replacing the vest she tiptoed from the room and down the stairs. She made it as far as the barn before her flight was discovered. She placed a bridle on her horse and turned to lift her saddle from the rail it rested on and ran smack into a bare, warm male chest.

“Where are you going?” Buck spoke the tone of his voice speaking more of his emotions than his words

“To town” Lou answered him knowing that he knew her as well as she knew herself and had caught her red handed.

“Don’t I mean anything to you Lou?” he spoke “You would throw away everything we have had together, everything we could have” he turned his back on her and walked out of the barn.

Lou stood and watched his retreating back, she knew that she had hurt him, she also knew that what she was about to do would hurt him badly, and would probably rip their relationship apart, but not even that could stop her saddling her horse and mounting up. She rode out of the barn, her tears blurring her vision so badly that she never saw Buck standing by the door of the barn, his face a picture of misery.

“Ride Safe Lou” he murmured as he watched her ride away to find her destiny.


	17. Chapter 17

“What in God’s name do you think you are doing Buck?” Rachel called, dumbfounded as she crossed from the bunkhouse to the barn to investigate why Lou had ridden out in such a rush and why Buck looked like he had lost his best friend.

“She’s gone to catch Kid’s killer” he spoke flatly, kicking the dirt he stood on with his bare feet “apparently, our future is not important enough to her to keep her here” he turned from Rachel, not wanting her to see the total desolation in his face.

“what did you say to her?” Rachel spoke softly not understading what had happened but hearing the devestation in his voice she knew that it must be serious.

“Nothing, we woke this morning and I told her that I couldn’t stay I have to go today and catch his killer. I vowed that I would find justice for him” Buck spoke moving to lean over the corral fence.

“Never would have picked you for a fool Buck Cross” she spoke as she pulled on his shoulder turning him around to face her, Buck steadfastly kept his eyes averted looking at the ground.

“what are you talking about Rachel” he yelled at her angry at the depth of his own pain “I’m a fool for being so in love with her, I’m a fool for giving my heart to anyone, worse yet I’m a fool for beleiving that she could love me”

“dammit Buck, she’s doing this because she loves you” Rachel spoke softly, hooking her fingers under his chin and turned his face up to look into his eyes

“How can that be” he glanced into Rachels face momentarily than turned his eyes back toward his feet.

“Buck, don’t you see, she’s trying to save you. She’s sacrificing herself for you”

Rachel spoke “she loves you Buck, she is showing you in the only way she knows how.” she finished

Buck stood there, his face forlorn, unsure if he should believe his heart or his head.

“Buck, don’t you remember how she used to run off and try to help Kid whenever she thought he was in trouble” Rachel prompted him “she must love you bad to run off like this while shes expecting, that baby has been the only thought in her mind since she found out”

“She’s gonna get her fool self killed” he murmured as he pulled Rachel into his tight embrace.

Releasing her he hooked his hands in his pockets, shuffling his feet feeling like a shy teenager again not the widower that he was. “god I am such a fool” he mumbled

Rachel tipped his face up to hers, wiping the tears from his cheeks as she spoke “No you’re not, you’re in love and desperately unsure of yourself and of her. You may be a little reluctant to believe your own heart but you are no fool Buck Cross.’

Buck pulled out of her motherly embrace, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead he turned and ran towards the house.

“Look after the kids for me please. I need to go and bring their mother home” he called as he ran through the door.

Dressing as quickly as he could he picked up his gun belt and hat and ran back down the stairs. Pausing briefly on the porch to strap on his gun belt, he ran to the barn and saddled his horse, his horse at a gallop before it left the barn.

“Ride Safe Buck” Rachel murmured as she watched him ride out “Bring her home safe”

\--oo0000oo--

Buck rode like he never had before, he knew that Lou was no match for the man she was planning to kill, he also knew that she would not give up until she had finished what she set out to do. His heart swelled with love for her, knowing that she was risking everything to keep him safe, he realised that she did indeed love him and for that if nothing else he was truly grateful for.

\--oo0000oo--

Lou paused briefly on the outskirts of town, wiping the tears from her face, she rubbed her hand gently over her stomach praying that she had not harmed her baby on her frantic dash into town. Remembering the wanted poster she carried in her pocket she reached for it, eager to discover the identity of the man she was looking for. Carefully unfolding the worn paper she was surprised when she knew the face that was looking back at her from the paper. Gabe Calder.

Years ago Jimmy had destroyed his gunfighting career, shooting him in both hands and damaging them both beyond repair. Apparently, this minor setback had not halted his criminal career. Lou shook her head as she realised just how much this man must hate the law. He had been on his own personal little crusade, killing anyone who wore a badge throughout the territory, Kid had been the first in a string of unfortunate lawman who had stood in his way. Her mind filled with fear that Buck now wore a badge and was probably a target on Calder’s list.

Lou dismounted as she reached the saloon. Taking a deep breath, she walked towards the centre of the street.

“Calder” she yelled as loud as she could “Calder” she yelled as she paced backwards and forwards

“Calder, I’m calling you out” she yelled “You shot my husband in the back, come out here and face me like a man” she screamed.

“well this will be a first” a sneering voice spoke as the saloon doors slammed

“I’ve never drawn down on a woman before” he walked down the steps toward her. “I’m going to enjoy this.” he laughed as he watched her gulping in fear.

“You’re not going to live long enough to enjoy it” she spat hoping that she could back up her threats with her actions, praying that she had not just signed her own and in turn her baby’s death warrant.


	18. Chapter 18

Lou stood in the middle of the road, her hands sweating so badly that she could barely hold on to the gun she held in her hand as she slipped it back into the holster. Wiping her hands on her trousers and clearing her throat as she realised the stupidity of her actions.

God help her what was she doing, she’d always been the slowest of all the riders on the draw and now she had called out a man who was a professional gun fighter. Sure he was not as fast as he could be , but it would never be as slow as she was. She swallowed convulsively as she faced him.

“what do you want to do this for missy?” he spoke watching her nervousness with a laugh

“You killed my first husband and I refuse to let you kill my best friend” she spoke through gritted teeth hating the way that he was laughing at her.

“Not my problem that you spend your time with lawmen” he spoke

“I want you to remember my husband” she spoke “He was a good kind man, he never hurt anyone unless they hurt him or broke the law” tears flowed down her cheeks.

“That means what to me” Calder spat

“You shot him in the back, you didn’t even give him a chance to protect or defend himself” she screamed

“did Hickock give me a chance to defend myself” he spoke

“He shot you in a gunfight Calder” Lou called “If you hadn’t have shot Marshall Cain, things could have been different”

“Are you finished” Calder spat “Why don’t you just go home and let me alone little girl” he laughed at her

“No” Lou spoke “I’m going to finish what I came to do” she wiped the tears from her face and flicked her braids back over her shoulders “I won’t let you kill Buck. You took Kid from me. I won’t let you take Buck”

“Ah the halfbreed Marshall that has been trailing me all over the territory” his eyes widened in dawning recognition

“What is he to you?” he frowned

“He will be my husband, and the father of my children” she spat.

”You really should choose your lovers better – halfbreeds and marshals” he laughed.

”His skin colour has never mattered to me he is a kind honourable man. I won’t let you hurt him. I won’t have you hurt my children again” she vowed

“Too late for that missie, you have taken their mother away from them’ he shrugged

“Are you ready?” she spat through clenched teeth

\--oo0000oo--

Buck stood in the shadows almost at Lou’s side wondering how to get her out of the situation she had found herself in. He didn’t want to present himself to her and distract her, or worse let her think that he didn’t trust her, but with every second that passed he grew more fearful that Lou would get herself killed. His heart swelled with love as she spoke so eloquently of him and the love they had fallen into.

\--oo0000oo--

Calder and Lou stared each other down, Lou knowing that this time she had done something stupid, she could see her mortality in Calder’s eyes. She wished that she had taken the time to tell Buck she loved him, she wished that she had stopped to look just once more at her beautiful daughter. She wished that she was not taking the life of Buck’s unborn child with her. Swallowing convulsively her finger twitched on the gun. Calder saw her movement, an amused glint in his eyes as he realised the true depth of her fear, his hand moving for his gun. Neither of them expected what was about to happen. As Calder’s gun cleared his holster, Buck burst from the shadows his gun drawn, running towards Lou. He hit Lou with his shoulder, firing on Calder at the same time, sending her flying into the dirt. The shot Buck fired hit Calder in the chest , the force of impact sending him sprawling backwards into the dirt.

It took several minutes for Lou to get her bearings again but she pulled herself up out of the dirt and looking up the street she saw Calder lying on the ground quite obviously dead, the townsfolk creeping out of their homes and stores, a crowd gathering around Calder’s lifeless form. Turning her attention to the man who had made a habit of coming to her rescue, she crawled to his side thinking that he had hit his head on the ground and knocked himself out she pushed his hair back from his face as his eyes fluttered open.

“Is the baby alright?” he murmured as she brushed his hair back “Are you okay?” he spoke his voice growing weaker. Confused by Buck’s weakness, Lou rolled him over and pulled him onto her lap.

“We’re both fine Buck” Lou murmured looking down his body, her eyes widening as she saw a bloodstain widening on his chest. She realised that the shot that Calder had fired had not gone astray, but had hit Buck. Tightening her hold on him she rocked him in her arms, screaming frantically to the townsfolk.

“Somebody get the doctor” she screamed tears streaming down her cheeks

“Don’t let him die, please” she pleaded

“Buck, please hold on” she murmured into his hair rocking him back and forth in her arms

“Louise, let me take him please” Thompkins held her shoulder as she sobbed “We’ll get him out of the dirt and take him to the surgery it’ll be quicker” he pulled her away from the prone man in her lap. Lou seeing the sense of Thompkins words allowed him to take Buck from her.

Lifting Buck into his arms he cradled his former son in law and the father of his granddaughter against his body. Walking quickly to the doctors surgery, closely followed by Lou and half the town. Knowing that they were coming Doc Fletcher had prepared am operating table for them to place Buck on. Thompkins laid him down and backed away as Lou moved in to try and calm the semi conscious Buck.

“Buck, Buck why did you do it?” she murmured as his eyes fluttered open

“Promised Kid I would look after you” he mumbled “‘sides I love you” his eyes closed again as he swallowed tightly, his strength ebbing

“Buck don’t leave me” she shook him “I need you Buck” she grabbed his hand and placed it on her belly not even sure he was aware of her presence “your baby needs you” she cried

“Look after Star and Mary for me” she could almost see the light fading in his eyes “Tell them I love them”

“Buck, please hang on for me” she cried pressing her lips against his forehead trying to draw him back to her in anyway she could

“I love you Lou” he murmured as his eyes closed again.

“Buck don’t die I couldn’t bear to lose you too” she cried, Thompkins pulled her away from Buck to enfold her in his embrace as she sobbed uncontrollably/


	19. Chapter 19

Buck knew that he was slipping away from Lou, no matter how hard he tried he could not manage to stay with her. It was like he was being sucked down a tunnel, he couldn’t stop himself spiralling into the darkness of the tunnel. It seemed like he was falling forever into the blackness but gradually he noticed that the blackness was receding, and he could see himself lying on the table. He could see his own face his skin pasty grey, his lips almost blue, a bullet wound in his chest about 3 inches about his left nipple oozing bright red blood. Buck knew that he had been badly injured before but this was the first time he had ever felt separated from his body like this. the first time he had ever watched himself and the people he loved from outside his own body. It was not a feeling he liked.

He could see the doctor working frantically on him, he could see the sobbing Lou cradled in Thompkins arms tears on his face. He wanted so badly to take her in his arms and show her that everything would be alright, but somehow he knew that they wouldn’t, somehow he knew that he was being plucked from life and the woman he loved.

He watched the doctor, trying to stop the flow of blood from his chest, shaking his head as he tried. Don’t give up on me please, Buck silently begged the doctor. Please don’t let me be taken from my loved ones. I want to go back to them, I need to go back to them. Please don’t let me die, there are so many things I still want to do, I want to see my new baby take it’s first breath, I want to grow old with Lou by my side, God I just want to ride and have the wind in my hair again. Don’t give up on me he silently entreated the Doctor.

Buck felt himself being sucked back into the vortex of the tunnel this time surrounded by the brightest light he had ever seen, light so bright it hurt his eyes. He didn’t know how long he fell for but when he opened his eyes he was sitting on straightback chair, reaching up to touch his chest, he felt the blood still on his chest and wondered what he was going to go through now.

“Buck it is so good to see you” an unfamiliar voice spoke from behind him

“Do I know you?” he spoke turning in the seat. His eyes widened in surprise as he realised that the words had come from Ike’s mouth.

“Ike” he stood and embraced the man that had once been his closest friend

“You can speak”

“There are no imperfections here Buck, everyone is equal” he clasped his friend tightly

“I’ve missed you” Ike spoke looking at his best friend

“How? Why?” Buck was confused by what was going on around him

“we’re all here Buck” Jenny spoke as she walked into his line of vision

“My God” he was rendered almost speechless as he hungrily drank in the sight of his wife “Jen is it you” she walked to his side and he folded her into his arms, his lips meeting hers in a kiss filled with lost love, lost dreams and unending love.

“Isaac and Jimmy are here too” she spoke of their son and Lou and Kid’s son. she looked at him sadly

“You can’t stay here Buck” she stated “You have to go back to Lou, she needs you more than we do” Jen placed a gentle kiss on his lips, watching the confusion and the pain in his eyes

“I understand Buck, I’m happy for you really I am, I couldn’t wish for anyone better for you than Lou Buck” she kissed him again “You both deserve a long and happy life” she murmured as she released him “I must go” she spoke looking over Bucks shoulder “Kid wants to see you” she kissed him long and passionately, knowing that she would not see him again for many many years. “I’ll be waiting for you my darling” she spoke as she walked away from him.

“Tell Lou that I love her” Kid’s voice spoke as he walked out of the shadows to talk to Buck

“She knows that Kid” Buck spoke hugging his best friend “She misses you” he stated

“I’m glad she has you to help her” Kid looked into Buck’s eyes “She doesn’t deserve to be alone, neither do you” he shrugged his shoulders “thanks for saving her life” Kid praised him “Look after her for me Buck”

“Always Kid” Buck replied “You know that”

Kid started to walk away from him then turned back “You weren’t meant to die yet Buck, they’re sending you back”

“What?” Buck looked confused

“You’re going back to Lou,” he stated then tried to explain what was happening

“We’ll still be here waiting when it is your time” tears welled in Kid’s eyes “Tell her how much I love her, try to make her understand that I am happy for the both of you” he murmured as he walked back in to the shadows.

“What does all of this mean?” Buck threw his arms up in confusion spinning trying to see anything in the shadows that were deepening around him, deepening so quickly that they swallowed him up and sucked him back into the swirling blackness around him and into a blessed thought free void.


	20. Chapter 20

Lou and Rachel both sat by his bedside as they had done for the last three weeks, Lou had tirelessly been by his side, feeding him broth and water, bathing his sweaty body, changing the dressings on the wound that had come so close to and still could take his life determined that he would not endure this alone. Rachel sat by Lou’s side as often as she could, both of them strong women willing their strength on the unconscious man before them. Rachel was starting to think that not even the force of their will could bring him back.

The ranch work had come to a standstill, Cody tried his hardest to help Starr keep things running but it was all starting to fall to pieces, None of them had their heart in it, all of them were preoccupied with thoughts of Buck. His well being all that mattered at the moment.

Even little Mary spent time seated at Buck’s side, she would come in each day and sit quietly on the bed beside her Uncle Buck, somehow knowing in her confused four year old mind that her Uncle Buck needed her. These were the times when Lou could sleep, sinking onto the bed beside Buck and catching what little sleep she could. Starr would visit often, eyes so like her mothers full of tears, she would tell her father of the things that she had done around the ranch usually leaving with her voice choked with tears, her heart full of fear that she was losing her father.

Buck could hear muffled voices, they sounded as if they were in a different room or a long way away, he struggled to lift his head, to open his eyes. He felt like he had no control over his body. Fighting to get to his family, he struggled through the inky blackness, his body not responding to his will to move, trying to speak his lips refusing to form the words he tried to speak. Exhausted by his small struggle, he sank back into the gloomy depths he was trying to escape.

“Rachel” Lou murmured “he moved, did you see that” moving to sit on the side of the bed taking Bucks hand in hers, spreading his fingers across her lap and stroking the back of his fingers certain that she had seen his fingers move. Rachel watched the hope flair in Lou’s eyes certain that she had imagined Bucks movement. She rose to embrace Lou’s shoulders and stroking her hair spoke softly

“I didn’t see it honey, are you sure you didn’t just hope you saw it” Rachel felt the shudders of Lou’s shoulders as she sobbed gently the pain of the last three weeks suddenly becoming too much for her

“I’ve killed him haven’t I” she sobbed her hand continued to stroke his fingers

“You think I would have learned by now, not to go off half cocked, but I didn’t want to see him hurt”

“No Lou” Rachel spoke gently “It’s not your fault, and he is not going to die, its just going to take some time” she tried to reassure Lou’s flagging hopes.

“I don’t know what I’ll do without him” Lou spoke almost absently as she lifted his hand and twined his fingers with hers kissing each of his knuckles with her soft wet lips as she spoke. “It’s strange even before we became a couple, he was always there if I needed someone, I can’t lose him Rachel” “

He will wake up Lou, he just needs some time” Rachel continued

“You’ve heard Doc Barnes” Lou continued “There’s no reason he won’t wake up” a sob caught in her throat “You heard him say that he might not wake up at all”

“He didn’t say that Lou” she replied “he said to be prepared in case he doesn’t” Rachel stopped “I’m going to go and warm some broth for him. Do you want anything?”

Lou shook her head sinking further into her misery as she sat with her best friend and lover, Rachel walked out of the room shaking her head, wondering how they would pick up the pieces if the worst should happen.

Lou sat there stroking his hand, then reached forward to push his soft fresh washed hair out of his face. She knew how clean he kept his hair so had taken the time every couple of days to gently wash it for him and comb it gently. This simple action as much to sooth her tortured soul as it was to provide comfort for him.

“Why won’t you come back to me Buck?” she murmured “You have so much to come back for” she gave in to the fear that was overcoming her and pressed her face against his bare chest, her tears glistening on his bare skin. A broad smile crossed her face as she realised that his fingers were moving on her leg.

“Buck ....Buck can you hear me?” she clasped her hand in his and leaned closer to him

“Buck” she leaned closer to his ear and murmured his name “Come back to me darlin” she spoke

Rachel stood in the doorway watching with interest, she had seen his hand move before Lou had even realised it was moving and waited for her to understand what this meant. She had watched with tears in her eyes as hope had flared in Lou’s dark eyes, the pain of the last weeks disappeared from her face. “

Jen” Buck murmured “Jen is that you. come back Jen” he murmured not quite waking

“Shh” Lou spoke “Shhh, rest now I’ll be here when you wake” the pain of her heart breaking almost more than she could bear.


	21. Chapter 21

Lou sat with him, her bottom lip trembling, on the verge of tears until she was sure he was sleeping then stood and walked from the room. Tears began to stream down her cheeks as she moved past Rachel in the doorway to find a way out of her misery. Inthe weeks that Buck had been uncocnscious Lou had realised that she loved Buck as much as she had ever loved Kid, thoug she might love him in a different way the intensity of that love was no different. Rachel grabbed her and pulled her into her embrace wanting to sooth the pain she saw in he face.

“He thought I was Jenny” she sobbed against Rachel’s chest, ashamed of the feelings that had coursed through her body when she had heard her dead best friends name.

“I heard sweeheart” Rachel didn’t know what to tell her “He’s been unconscious for a while sweetheart, he’s bound to be confused” she murmured hoping that she was telling the truth

“I know, it just hurt so much to hear it” Lou straightened but her tears still fell “I loved Jenny like a sister, but when he called her name I almost hated her, he’s been with her in his mind and I hated her for that” she subsided against Rachel’s chest sobbing.

“Lou, I have no doubt that he loves you” Rachel spoke softly “Hell I only have to see the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is looking, but his mind is confused, nothing is how it should be for him.” she said gently “don’t give up on him” she turned Lou and pointed her back into the room “Go and talk to him, sit with him, he is so close to coming back to you, give him something to fight for.” Rachel waited until Lou walked into the room and closed the door behind her.

Lou sat on the edge of the bed and wiped her tears from her face, then one hand on Bucks chest the other cradling his hand in hers in her lap. She started speaking to him gently telling him of what she thought their future would be, of what they could have together. she spoke until her voice was hoarse or her hopes for the child growing in her belly, for the ranch, for the future of their other children. She couldn’t stop her tears from falling as she moved closer and stroked his face and hair, her fingers sliding gently across his eylids tracing his lush lips, speaking to him in a hushed whisper of the things she still wanted to do with him. Unable to resist she leaned forward and placed a kiss against his lips, sitting back in surprise when she felt his lips part under hers.

“Buck” she murmured gently “Buck, can you talk to me darling, please wake up I’m so scared for you” she spoke as she watched his eyelids flutter

“Lou” he murmured hoarsely ”I had the strangest dream” he started trying to form the words to tell her what he had seen but his mind feltlike it was filled with cotton wool and wouldn’t help him.

she looked into his confused chocolately eyes and almost felt his pain at not being able to voice his thoughts. She saw his pain and confusion but had no idea how to help him. “

Its alright darling” she soothed him “You sleep now, I’ll be here when you wake” she stroked the hair back from his face.

“Hold me Lou” he murmured already exhausted his eyes flicking closed tiredly

“Don’t leave me” he spoke gently sinking back into a peaceful recuperative sleep. Bone tired herself, she sank onto the bed beside him and rested her head against his bare chest, her body molded to his side and sank into a deep dreamless sleep.

When Buck awoke again, the first thing he became aware of was the fresh washed scent of Lou’s hair, opening his eyes he smiled as he saw he pressed against his body sleeping peacefully. He cursed that his body was feeling so weak as he treid to lift one hand and gntly caress her hair, succeeding only in clumsily waking her as his hand fell almost uselessly on her shoulder.

“Do you feel alright Buck?” she murmured instantly awake

“I’m sorry Lou I didn’t mean to wake you” he spoke softly as she raised her lips to meet his “My body just won’t seem to do what I tell it to do” he lifted his hand to feel the nearly healed bulletwound on his chest, his brow creasing in confusion

“How long have I been here?” he spoke finally understanding the pained expression and the heavy blue smudging under Lou’s eyes.

“Close to four weeks now Buck” she spoke softly “I thought I had lost you” she stated gently the fat tears on her lashes showing him more than words how much that would hurt her.

“I’m sorry baby” he swallowed his throat dry with what had almost happened “I couldn’t let him kill you”

“Calder is dead Buck, you killed hiim” she spoke softly her fingers tracing his chest”the baby and I are fine.”

They lay there in silence for several minutes Buck debating the wisdom of telling Lou what he had witnessed after he had been shot, but he knew that he couldnt keep it too himself, he had to share it with her if no-one else. He knew that she would probably think he was crazy, hell he wasn’t even sure in his own mind that he wasn’t, but he felt compelled to tell her what he had seen.


	22. Chapter 22

Buck opened his mouth to tell her several times, not knowing how to form the words to tell her that he was losing his mind. It didn't matter how many times he tried he just couldn't tell her, he couldn't hurt her that way.

Lou could feel the rapid beating of his heart and knew that he was struggling with something, she could feel his breath on her hair as he started to talk to her several times and knew that something was bothering.

Something that he thought he couldn't tell her. Something that he thought would upset her.

She pulled out of his arms and sat up, lifting his hand to her lips she kissed his knuckles and then held his hand in both of hers knowing that she needed to know what was troubling him so badly, even if it hurt her, even if it broke her heart she had to know what was causing him so much pain.

"Buck, what is it?" she asked him softly "what is troubling you?" she looked deep into his eyes trying to understand what concerned him.

"Lou I nearly died" he spoke softly his eyes cloudy with memories of the event

"I know Buck, but you didn't you are here" she spoke thinking that his own mortality had been what upset him

"You don't understand me Lou" he spoke struggling to sit up. Lou helped him to move until he was propped upright against a mountain of pillows.

He had been laying down for so long that the rush of blood to his head when he sat up caused his head to spin, shaking his head to clear the light-headedness he felt as he took her hand in his again. "I know that because I could see it Lou"

She frowned confused by his words, "But how?" she murmured "I don't know Lou" he spoke softly "I think I may be going crazy" he paused unsure how to continue.

Lou cupped his face in her hands "You're the sanest person I know Buck," she murmured "do you want to tell me about it?" she questioned him "Maybe I can help?" She spoke softly.

He looked into her velvet eyes and knew in his heart that if anyone could understand him and what he knew he had seen, it was the loving, compassionate woman at his side.

"I could see everything Lou, I could see you crying in Bills arms, I could see how much you were upset, I could see tears on Bills face. Doc Barnes was trying to stop my chest bleeding" he paused closing his eyes as the pain of what he was about to say hit him "I was with Jenny Lou" he spoke and opened his eyes to look into her tears knowing that he was ripping her soul out with his words but she had to know. "It all came back to me Lou, I'm so sorry, I love you Lou, you know I love you but I realised when I saw her how much I missed her, how much I had loved her, how much I needed her" his tears overflowed "I'm sorry Lou, I didn't have the strength to turn away from her. I loved her so much. I was happy to be back in her arms, to feel her lips on mine. God it was like coming home, I didn't want to ever leave her again"

"You're here Buck" she murmured her tears wet on her face "You must have left her" Lou tried to understand what he was telling her, cut to her very soul that he would have left her and her unborn baby behind. She could not blame him, if she had been given the same choice he had, she was not sure that she would be able to leave her beloved Kid.

He shook his head almost wildly "No Lou I didn't leave her, she and Kid sent me back" he stated flatly and looked deeply into her eyes

"You saw Kid?" she murmured her eyes softening as she spoke of her first love

"He told me to tell you he loves you, and he is waiting for you" he spoke watching the love and tenderness he saw in her eyes knowing that he could never have kept this from her, not if this little piece of news brought such joy to her soul.

"He also wished us a long and happy life together" he spoke softly knowing that Kid's blessing meant everything to Lou.

They sat in silence for what seemed the longest time, neither really aware of the passage of time, both lost in the thoughts of what they had lost and what they had gained. Their hands gently stroked the other; almost absently content to just have the others touch for the time being. Eventually Lou sank tonelessly against him, curling her arms around his waist and melting against his body, needing to reaffirm her feelings for the loving, tender man in her arms.

"I don't think you are crazy Buck" she murmured against his chest trying to reassure him that she believed everything he had said to her "They would want us to be happy Buck" she tilted her head back to kiss him gently "I want us to be happy Buck" she settled back against his chest "I want us to grow old together and raise more babies. Make this ranch something Kid and Jenny would have been proud of." she spoke softly placing his hand on her belly "First you have to get well and help me raise this one"


End file.
